Making new friends and keeping up with old friends can be challenging. There are a number of obstacles that get in the way.
This makes it so that many people don’t feel like they no longer have any meaningful connections.
Family obligations, spending a lot of time working, and finding it hard to break into already-established friend groups are some of the challenges that make many adults feel like they don’t have friends.
If you want to keep those obstacles from having fulfilling friendships, here are some things to keep in mind.
Why do so many adults not have friends?
There are a number of reasons that an adult might not have friends.
Looking at this Quora thread, one can see that there are many perspectives and hurts that people have. Let’s dive into some of them.
Family obligations
Family obligations can take up a ton of time.
Having kids, for instance, brings with it a reduction in freedom since you have another person to care for.
You may not have kids, but this applies to your friends when they start having kids. They can’t go out as often or stay as late due to the sleep schedule of their baby.
When the kids get older, there’s school, extracurricular activities, etc. Without very clear priorities, it can be difficult to spend much time with people outside of family.
Family obligations don’t just have to be kids. You could live at home and need to spend extra time with a parent with health issues.
Working too much
One can easily consider work and friendship as opposing priorities with the way career paths are often presented.
That narrative may be changing, but work does provide a consistent place to produce and feel worthwhile. In seasons where friendships are hard to come by, it can be tempting to spend all of your time at work to boost self-worth and confidence.
Work also produces money, which is a physical necessity. Friendships don’t provide us with a room, food, and clothes, so we can sometimes forget the benefits.
Other friend groups are already established
When entering a new environment, whether that be moving, getting a new job, or starting a new activity group, it can be hard to break into already established friendship groups.
I remember learning in chemistry about the energy it takes to change how atoms are grouped together after they’ve bonded. People grow comfortable quickly and are not looking to switch that out for discomfort.
Meeting people can be awkward, even for people who are already established in a setting, which can make new people feel like outsiders who question whether it’s even worth trying to make new friends.
It takes a lot of energy to make new friends and maintain relationships
The above example of getting into an established friend group is just one of many ways friendships take energy.
Not only do you have to spend the energy upfront to bond with people (I’m embracing the chemistry analogy), but you have to maintain those relationships after they’re formed.
There are also a lot of awkward moments when getting to know people.
If you’re anything like me, you remember random and obscure facts that people mentioned one time in conversation.
Not all the helpful ones like where they work or where they’re from, but ones that get a stalker reaction when you remember them like remember all of their relatives’ names because you thought that was the kind of thing normal and caring people do.
Can’t relate? Me, neither. Obviously.
All of that remembering and time spent takes energy. And as energy is in short supply, you need to be selective of how you give it.
Unfortunately, that often means some friendships suffer. You may just forget to follow up for a few weeks, but that can turn into several months and years.
People can also change and not have the same spark of friendship when they’re together, leading to disappointment and a falling away from the relationship.
It’s hard to persevere through the pain of bad friendships
Some people are also jaded from their friendship journeys.
Some are mad that no one else is as available as them anymore.
Some are mad that everyone else is always trying to guilt them to do things that they’re too busy for.
And that’s just the surface stuff.
There are truly heart-wrenching betrayals of trust.
Maybe it was a roommate who never paid rent, which cost you thousands of dollars you couldn’t afford.
Maybe it was some sensitive information about you or a loved one, but they spilled the beans and your family is dealing with the consequences.
There are countless other scenarios that stick with people, and it’s hard to stay open to new friendships after going through such rejection and hurt.
People forget that others have experienced pain, too. Someone may be cold and closed off because they think that’s the only way to be safe, but it could activate the insecurities of the person they’re talking to.
People are messy, and it’s hard to deal with sometimes.
A silver lining to friendships as an adult
While there are a lot of sad reasons a lot of adults don’t feel like they have any real friends, there is a silver lining.
Taking the effort to constantly look for new connections is worth it.
You may be shy, but that’s okay.
It may take a lot of effort to feel like you aren’t messing up every time you open your mouth. (Maybe that’s just me.)
There is joy and fresh perspectives created by being with others. Not all the time, but a lot.
It may be hard to continue putting yourself out there, but a few great friends make up for the hundreds of awkward interactions it took to find them.
Some adults may give up on friendships, but you don’t have to. You got this!